


The Ghost That Haunts His Hearts

by TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers



Series: Ten Years of River Song [4]
Category: Doctor Who, The Diary of River Song (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers, The Tenth Anniversary of River Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-02 05:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14537853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers/pseuds/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers
Summary: She'd had enough sadness for one life.





	The Ghost That Haunts His Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Happy tenth birthday, River Song!!! :)
> 
> Contains spoilers for the Diary of River Song series three.

River's bed was half-empty. It always was these days. She stared at the pillow that should've been his, and looked back on all the days when she used to wake up to find him there beside her.

She'd been in the data core for a bit over a week now, and she hadn't quite settled in yet. There were very few places where she'd ever felt settled in her life.

And also there were a lot of people she didn't get a proper chance to say goodbye to. Her sisters, her friends, her parents...

But there was a possibility she could say it now.

Soon after she'd been saved, she'd studied the data core blueprints. She had wanted to find out how it all worked, and if there was a way out for her. That was when she realised she could do something. She Got CAL and the Doctor Moon to help her reprogram a bit of the software of the mainframe, and now all it needed was a few more tweaks. Soon she'd be able to project her consciousness outside.

And today, that was exactly what she was going to do.

She had a long list of people she wanted to see, and her husband was right at the top of it.

* * *

 

 

The office was fairly bare. The bookshelves were mostly empty and the top of the desk was completely barren.

The only thing of note in the room was the TARDIS standing in the corner. The door was open and she could hear him swearing at something.

Adrenaline and anxiety filled River's mind as the sound of his voice reached her ears. She could feel her heartbeats growing faster, and she had a sudden urge to run as fast as she could. Just like he always did. Was she sure she wanted to see him like this, with her only having just gone? She was beginning to doubt her decision.

River turned her attention back to the room in an attempt to calm her emotions down.

She couldn't fathom for the life of her why he'd be in a disused office. He must be planning on staying because, now that she looked, she could see his guitar through the gap in the door on the other side of the room. She was confused.

There was a loud bang as the Doctor accidentally hit the box he was carrying against the open door of the TARDIS. River whipped her head 'round to see what was going on.

And that was her first sight of him since he'd visited to say goodbye. She had already started to miss his beautiful face. But now there was defeat and a tiredness in that face she hadn't seen before. Seeing it felt like someone had just stabbed her right in the hearts.

This had not been a good idea at all.

The Doctor dumped the box on the desk and the noise of it made her jump. He started taking things out of it, mind elsewhere. He produced a raven, a mug of sonic screwdrivers, a few empty files, odd bits of stationary, and finally, two photographs.

The first one was of his granddaughter, Susan. He took a moment to gaze at her face before putting the picture on the right-hand side of his desk. The second picture he hesitated longer with. He pulled it out of the box slowly, and smiled sadly as he caught sight of whoever's face it was staring back at him. His finger slowly traced along the glass of the frame, and the love and pain written in his features burnt like the stars themselves.

Was it seconds or minutes before he put the picture down? River couldn't tell. She was just watching his face, hearts breaking for him. She only looked to see who the picture was of when he moved away to sit in the chair behind the desk.

It was of _her._

The corners of River's mouth twitched into a ghost of a sad smile, fondness dancing across her features. Bless that man.

She watched him from behind as he arraigned everything he'd put on his desk. His movements seemed strained, like he didn't really want to do anything except roll up into a ball and cry himself to sleep, but was forcing his body to be productive anyway.

It was eating away at her, that she couldn't tell him that everything was going to be alright, and that she would never lose hope of seeing that smug, little smile again. She barely even noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks.

The last thing he moved was her photograph. He put it next to Susan's, where he could see it easily if he flicked his eyes to the right. Then he sat back in his chair, vision locked on her photo, as silence fell in the room like a stifling blanket.

The silence was broken only when Nardole struggled through the TARDIS doors with less grace than a lame elephant. He was waddling under the weight of the boxes of books he was carrying out from the Doctor's library. He dumped them on the floor next to the nearest empty bookcase before wiping his dusty hands down his waistcoat.

He looked over to the Doctor and noticed his expression, and the man-servant's demeanour changed quickly from cheerful to concerned.

"Are you okay, sir?" Nardole asked, but the Doctor didn't answer.

River couldn't take it any more. She had to get out of there.

She left not noticing the single tear trickling down his cheek.

* * *

 

 

River could tell by the way her parents were shivering that it was cold in the park, but she couldn't feel it herself. The cold breeze went right through her, quite literally.

After seeing the Doctor, River needed cheering up. She thought a nice trip to happier times would do the trick. Her mother and father were the obvious choice, and they were next on her list anyway. But she hadn't thought the data core would've brought her  _here_. Not when there were so many good times to live through.

She'd found Amy and Rory sitting, leaning into each other on a park bench in Manhattan, the night they were sent back in time. They were just staring ahead, faces melancholy as time ticked by unnoticed.

The elation they'd felt at being together had ebbed away as the grief of everything they had just lost caught up with them.

Sadness, again, was River's companion, and she wondered if she would ever find a moment that was happy. She couldn't stand much more of this.

She sat next to her father on the bench, staying with them both until the sun began to show. They would never know she was there, but _she_ would. And that made her feel a little bit better.

River was worried about them. She knew they'd be okay in the end, but she didn't like the fact they'd starved and shivered on a bench all night. But there was nothing she could do about it now.

She stood before she went, taking one last look at their tired, defeated faces.

She had a habit of leaving when morning came along. And she hated it.

* * *

 

  

The pain and unhappiness weighed her down. She had wanted to see her sisters, but she didn't think she could cope with that now. Brooke and H-Two wouldn't be having the best of times with Kovarian on the Concord Well, and she never did find out what happened to O after the celery Doctor took her away. She'd had enough sadness for one life.

She needed to see her husband again. She  _needed_ to. But she couldn't see him like that.

She needed to see him  _happy._

River didn't know entirely what Charlotte and the Doctor Moon had done with the software, but whatever they did, however it worked, she hoped the next time it would take her somewhen better.

* * *

 

 

River found herself in a large, marble-floored room, with huge supporting pillars and golden furniture. The walls were intricately decorated with murals or covered over with delicate tapestries. The whole room screamed of opulence, and River was sure she'd seen it before.

She looked behind her, to where she knew the throne would be, and saw the king sitting there, face red with anger. River hadn't liked him the first time she was here. His temper was too savage, his white beard too long, and he smelt awful.

She heard footsteps marching up to the doors to her left, and hurried to stand by the curtain behind the throne.

There was a loud knock at the door, and he king demanded the people responsible entered.

The doors were forced open, and two chained people were dragged into the room. The first was the Doctor's bowtie regeneration, the second was a younger her, from back when she was alive and imprisoned in Stormcage. They were dumped on the floor at the kings feet.

River didn't watch her younger self as she got up and stepped forward to give that king the sharp edge of her tongue. Neither did she listen as she shouted at him that it wasn't her and the Doctor who'd been murdering his men, but the creature they'd been chasing. Or as she told him, rather magnificently, about how his stupid men's actions meant the creature got away, and that now all their lives were endangered.

Instead, she paid all her attention to the Doctor.

He'd been slumped behind her the last time she lived through this, so she hadn't seen his face. Now she couldn't take her eyes off it.

He was so proud. It shone from his face like a beacon, along with his adoration, love, and awe. He was smiling up at the back of her head as if she were the only thing he wanted to watch for the rest of his life. And with that photo on his future self's desk, she was rather afraid he might.

A long time ago, she and the eyebrow Doctor had been standing on the balcony of a restaurant, watching the sun go down as beautiful music wafted over to them on the breeze. And it was on that balcony, on that very day, that the Doctor told her he'd always loved her. At the time, she didn't know if she believed it or not, but he spent the next twenty-four years being so good at proving it that she grew to.

Now, when she looked into  _this_ Doctor's eyes, she could see the proof for herself. It was shining out of him like starlight, the most beautiful starlight that would shine for millennia unnoticed.

That was it. It was always there, just not so bright when she looked, always tinged with pain. Because she was so alive, and he was wondering how many more of her smiles he'd get to witness. How many more times would his eyes gaze at her face before it was contorted in agony as she screamed and burnt?

Tears rolled down her cheeks again, but this time they were from happiness. Her hearts filled with the love she'd never quite noticed before. And as she stared at his gorgeous face, she silently promised him she'd never forget it.

Not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
